Reminding myself

Grandma in Kampar is in hospital now... She's very sick, not able to eat as she will choke if we feed her and she'll wont have the strength to cough. She's eating through paips now. Aunty May sent me a picture of grandma lying on hospital bed with tubes n paips all over her. Its very heartbreaking to see her in this condition. All her life, she's been working non stop. She leads a difficult & poor life. When she was young, she had to work hard to earn a living and when she was old that her sons & daughter all grew up, she still have to work at home to look after her grandchildrens. And now that all her grandchildrens are big enough to look after themselves, she fell sick and is suffering. She had never lead a comfortable life before. When we are all able to provide her with a more comfortable life, she doesn't have the chance to enjoy it anymore. Now that she is in bed, we will forever regret that we cant provide her an enjoyable life. She will never be able to give us that opportunity anymore. I felt so useless for not being able to do anyting to ease her pain n free her from all her sufferings. I love her. I wish there is something I can do right now than to sit here & cry, be sad & scared... I wish... I wish I could... Theres no point wishing as I cant turn back time. I'll only be able to regret all my life that I didnt do enough to provide them with a more comfortable life. I regret for being naughty to them. I regret that i didnt fulfill my promises I made to them. They didnt see me graduate in my graduation gown, they didnt see me get married n have babies.. Theres a lot that they didnt see me doing. I know they wanted to watch me grow up, help me, guide me through all my life. She's my only grandma left in this world. I pray for her, I pray to God to free her from all her sufferings. Let her go in peace...
I didnt want her to go but I know I'm being very selfish as she is suffering and is in pain. I just dont want her to suffer anymore. We are all big now, there's nothing to worry about, we can all take good care of ourselves. We will look out for each other and stay strongly bond as a family u build for us, a family that u gave us.. I love you, ma ma!