Dear Havi

 22nd September 1987 - 7th July 2023

Havi, who is a very dear friend of mine, like family passed away earlier this month. I've known Havi since we were 14yrs old, he was Harmit's brother. Although he is the same age as me, but he is like a big brother to me. I miss him!

The news of his passing was a very big shock, definitely was not expecting it. I just saw his facebook post 2days before his passing, celebrating his mom's birthday. I didn't know what to do for the next few days. I waited for Harmit and Venu to rush back from US, attended his funeral. All kinds of feelings, it was very overwhelming. Seeing his mom being devastated as she lost her beloved son, everyone else lost their beloved brother, beloved friend.

We remained close to each other even when we don't meet often, we don't connect often but when we do, its like we were old buddies who has been talking and meeting every now and then, there were no gap or space in between, this is family! So there is no regret here. Rest in peace Havi, we will miss you. Goodbye Havi, till we meet again........

Covid

 Covid. This is the first time that I'm faced with a global pandemic. It was something new to me, and I didn't know what to do about it. The government has ordered Movement Control Order to deal with the spread of virus. We were all very obedient at first. We stayed at home, only to go out to get groceries. It was tough. I only get to know about the virus, the danger, the harm it could cause to people via social media. And as much of it are mostly hoax or exaggeration, I choose to be careful instead of ignoring it. I was the only one who goes out to office, to work and get dinner during that period of time so I had to be very careful not to get infected. I had to be careful not to bring the virus home to mom and sis, and this is what I'm most scared about. Now that we have vaccines for the virus and everyone has been shot three times, I can feel relieved. But that doesn't mean that I'll be careless and carefree, I'm still scared of contracting the virus as the side effects are bad. It has already been more than 2 years living with the Covid world, I really hope it will be okay soon as this is not what we would wanna get used to. 

♥©BluBluChino™♥

Mom

Sis and I planned a trip to Tokyo, Japan in May this year as dad wanted to go to a trip with us but he was expecting it to be a family trip. However, mum didn't want to join as so, she will be going with sis and I in October 2017 which we cant let dad knows about it until the very last minute. I really wanted a family trip with sis, mum and dad but I can't force mum to do it if she's not happy about it and what's the point if she won't be able to enjoy the trip at all? Even having a meal with sis, mum and dad is super rare nowadays. I think it will only happen once or twice a year. They are acting like a divorce-on-a-bad-term couple but got together for he sake of their two daughters once a year. The problem is they are not divorce at all. Long distance relationship eventually drew them apart and I guess we are so used to just the three of us at home, living together and doing everything together that mum felt that we don't need him here all the time and that whatever he does, does not suit us and will only be troublesome. I know it's not fair to treat dad this way but if I had to choose, I will side with mum as she is the one who is with us all this time, from giving birth, to feeding to educating to supporting, emotionally and financially, sis and I owe alot to mum. While dad is away earning money, he doesn't earn enough to feed us all and mum had to carry the burden of that so in that perspective, it is not fair to mum also as a married women with parents and kids to take care of. And that's how I was so determine to provide a comfortable life to mum. I can't afford to give her a luxurious life but at least I can make her comfortable.
Back to the trip in May 2017, I look forward to having a daddy and daughters time with dad during that week and we will definately leave a lot of happy memories. It is hard to hide all those trips we plan with mum from dad. Not telling him until the very last minute and telling lies about the trip such as saying that its a present for mum, we got vouchers, mum is paying for the trip and its mum's company trip, we just tag along and all those. I felt guilty telling all those lies to dad and I know he will get hurt as we were leaving him out all the time when we are supposed to be a family. I'm sorry dad! I was unable to find a solution to fix your relationship with mum, maybe I didn't try hard enough as I was only acting as a middle person between both of you. I just didn't want to force mum doing things she doesn't like especially when her priorities has always been sis and I, she has given up everything for us. I can't be so selfish to force her going to this trip which I know she will just keep quite and feeling irritated and annoyed all the time when she should be enjoying Japan. Dad, lets have a wonderful trip in May!

♥©BluBluChino™♥

Well....

Its been a while since I've posted in this blog. In fact, I just remembered I had a blog like this and reading back my previous posts reminds me alot of thing that I've forgotten long ago. Some sad events which I've locked them up and tried not to recall back and it eventually faded away and now I realise I didnt want them to fade away as it was part of me, who I am, what made me into what I am today.
Now that I've grown up, I'm slowly learning to set my priorities right. But however I set them, family will always comes first. As everyone is getting older and more and more relatives passed away, I learn to appreciate them more and I've learnt that I must do all I can so that I wont have any regrets later and I hope I didnt let them down.
Spending time taking care of mum's needs has always been my priority ever since I've started to earn money. I would bring her to eat good food, special food, I would bring her travelling to see more sides of the world while she still can enjoy and walk. So far, we've been to Bangkok, Hong Kong, Korea and this year, it would be Japan. And I hope mum can go to many many more places in the world.
About me? I'm still the lazy me when I'm at home. I should really get my ass up to study and get that bloody ACCA cert that are way way way passed overdue.

♥©BluBluChino™♥

My last few months.....

2014 might be my worst year. First, I got depression beginning of the year after watching My Love From Another Star. It took me 2months to recover, not fully but better. Then Keima's condition got worse, I was worried about her. Until June, she got admitted and from there, her condition was on and off, on and off. I was worried sick. I tried to visit her whenever possible. Then she went to KL to live with Kei-yi for 2weeks. After KorKor left her, her condition was starting to go down as Keima was very heart-broken then. She came back, it was very heartbreaking to see her. Keima doesnt look good that time and she cant even walk. Then she went to stay in Pantai Nursing Home, Waterfall. I went to visit after work everyday and also during weekends. I see her condition getting worse by the day, it really broke me down. I would panic when my phone rings or when I get sms telling me I have a missed calls. I got panic when my phone battery got low and scared that it might died and people might not be able to reach me, especially nursing home's Mdm Tiang. When Keima's condition was bad on a certain day, I would panic all night. Even when I was having dinner, I saw ambulance passed by, I would panic and look at my phone, fearing that Mdm Tiang might call to say they needed to send her to hospital.
One day before Keima left us, I went to visit in the morning. Saw Amanda, the nurse and she told me Keima's blood oxygen went back up to normal, I was so relieved then. On that day, Keima was responding well to me I thought she would get better. But I would never know that Keima will leave us the next day.
We went to visit Keima on that day.. It broke my heart seeing Keima panting so quickly, grasping for air. Within 2hours, the different was so big. From panting to 3-4seconds for a breath and slowly, not breathing anymore. It all happens in 2hours and Keima is gone. Keima had me-her god-daugher, mum-her best friend and sis with her when she left. Sri, the maid and Mdm Tiang was there with her also. Kei-yi didnt make it back in time but Keima heard her voice and I knew Keima was relieved when she heard Kei-yi's voice. She gave us a one last glance and left us. I dont know what to do or what to say then. I would have gave you a kiss on your forehead and say goodbye. But I was just too stunned there and everything was blank, my mind, my heart, my brain........

She kept it all

I went to Keima's house last Saturday to clean up her house as nobody is staying there, we think it's best we go and clean it regurlarly. Keima would want it to be clean and tidy. While mum was cleaning, I went to look around. Saw a few photo albums and saw all the memories I had with Keima. Most of our pictures were during Chinese New Years last time when I went to stayover. Keima kept it very well, its all still in good condition. Also, I found alot of stuffs that I gave Keima, she kept it all. I dont even remember all that but she kept it. I felt so bad now that I didnt love her enough while she has been cherishing everything I gave her. Everything, most of them were just some useless crap. Even an envelope which I wrote when I was little, my aweful handwritting with aweful meaningless words join together. She even kept that in her photo album. I'm so sorry Keima. I should have done better!
Yesterday was tough. It was that time of the week that Keima left us. I cant stop myself from crying, I was just very depressed. I couldnt eat or talk and I feel like puking. I used to visit Keima regularly on Sundays and we would spend the whole afternoon there with Keima. Until she got really sick, mom and I would go 4-5times a week. Now that Keima is no longer with us, I dont know what I'll do during Sundays. I just felt sad and depressed.
Keima, I miss you so much!!

Dearest Keima

Keima,
My godmother was with me even when I was in my mum's stomach. She witnesses my birth, watched me grow up from day one everyday as we live together until we move to separate house. But I would still go stayover at keima's house during Chinese New Year and she would bring me out during that time. I remember how I used to being very impatient of going there during Chinese New Year when we were at my aunty's house, I would ask mum when are we leaving? When are we going to keima's? I love keima a lot.
As I grew older, I dont stayover at keima's anymore. I'm sorry keima that I havent been able to spend more time with you. U left us too soon...
As I grew older, I became busy with work and studies, I spent less and less time with keima. I'm sorry keima. When I'm supposed to drive her around to see the world, I didnt.
Then, keima got her cancer back. I knew it was too late to spend quality and happy times with keima, there's nothing I can do anymore as I cant go back to the past, I can only regret that I didnt do more last time. All I can do is to spend more time with her, be with her when she needed me, love her more when all she needed was love during he final days.
As heartbreaking as it is watching keima suffers during her final days, I knew I had to be strong to face it and be with keima as much as possible. I'm glad that I'll be able to stand through that tough times and visit keima everyday in the nursing homes. Keima needed to know that we all love her very much, she deserves all the love in the world. I'm glad I was with her when she left this world, keima at least deserves that.
Now, keima is gone. I know keima is in a better place from now on. Thank you, keima. For all the love you gave me, for raising me to who I am today. I hope I didnt dissapoint you, I will try not to in the future. I will always love you for you are my one and only keima in this world.
Rest In Peace keima. I will take care of myself and keiyi, whom you love very much. Do not worry, you know you can trust me when it comes to this as this is how you and mum have raised me. There is nothing you need to worry about, let us take over from now on. Goodbye Keima. I Love You!

"In Loving Memory of Goh Suet Hooi (1955-2014), my dearest Keima."

Depressed Me!

I remembered my password! Well, its definately a good news to me since I'm thinking negatively nowadays. I dont know what is wrong with me. Ever since I finished watching Korea's My Love From The Star, I've been really sad and empty. I love that drama alot especially Jun Ji Hyun's Cheon Song Yi. She is so funny and she's a goddess! But since then, I felt empty.. I want to watch more of her! More of My Love From The Star! She's a big screen actress so its very unlikely she will film another drama and now that she's got more and more famous, my hope for another drama is very unlikely. She films movie once every two year in average. How long more do I have to wait to see her drama or movie? And also, there are news that she's retiring to be a family women. NO!!!!
Anyway, back to my depression. I've been feeling sad all the time. I cant eat as when I think of eating or see food, I felt like vomitting. I dont want to talk to people as I felt like crying. I also dont want people to talk to me, I'll cry also. I just want to be alone and not be around with people I know as I'm afraid I have to talk to them or they will talk to me, I just cant take all that right now. I've been crying alot when I'm in the bathroom as I dont want my mum to know this. I've been trying very hard to be normal at home, mum would think I'm crazy if she sees me crying. I have no problem talking to mum and sister but I'd rather not talk and be alone. I've been skipping alot of my activities such as badminton. I wanted to go play last Friday but just the thought of going out to meet my friend, I almost cried.
What is going on. I dont like this feeling, it sucks! How am I supposed to get over this depression as I think it got worse by day. I've been very quiet at work, trying very hard to avoid colleagues and trying very hard not to cry infront of them. My friends told me that I needed to go out and hang out with friends to get over this but  just cant. I'm in a bad shape and situation now. I've never been like this before as I always wanted to be a happy and carefree person. Guess all the pressure and stress I've collected all these years are taking a toll on my mental state. I've always present myself as a happy person without pressure or stress. Stress were there but I chose to ignore it and put it aside as I dont want to worry about it. Its there. Guess it exploded now.

♥©BluBluChino™♥